“When you reparent yourself, you can step in and give your inner child the deep love and attention you may not have had when you were young.” ~Victoria Albina
Reparenting is not for the faint of heart, but the journey can surely be described as the greatest act of self-love. It’s a gift—a chance to redo some of the painful aspects of childhood and adolescence, but with the awareness of an adult mind. It is also an opportunity to connect much more deeply with ourselves and those we wish to connect with in a more authentic way.
What is reparenting?
Reparenting is the process of unpacking childhood wounds and conditioning and getting in touch with our deepest needs, using them as a guide to create a life that’s intentional and aligned with our essence.
Unfortunately, many of us are born into families, or systems, laden with pre-existing programming, rules, and norms. On top of this, our parents often carry their own wounds, some unaddressed, which can inadvertently pass to us.
As impressionable children, what we need most is to be seen, nurtured, and loved, to receive guidance and attunement. Without these, conformity begins, shaping us into programmed versions of ourselves that align more with the expectations from our environment rather than our true selves.
This disconnection breeds inner conflict, leading us to adopt survival strategies to keep safe from perceived dangers like unmet parental desires or wounds. This process is entirely on a subconscious level, which is why it is so destructive.
When parents choose to bring a child into this world, the expectation is for them to nurture and guide this life in line with what the child needs, but that requires attunement and egos to be left at the door. Unfortunately, many parents live vicariously through their children or remain unaware of their nature, focused solely on their own survival. Worse than that, a lot of parents are emotionally immature and cannot embody true compassion or hold space for views that are different from theirs.
Curiosity and learning are not values at the forefront. This results in a child losing their essence over time in order to conform and stay safe and accepted in the system. With that comes the erosion of self and the birth of survival mode as we know it. The child loses some of their curiosity and zest for life, which in some cases is replaced with hard rules and expectations. In worse cases, it is replaced with abuse.
Reparenting is about rebuilding.
As my therapist vividly described, reparenting is akin to being a contractor, architect, and designer of my existence—deciding what parts of my past to keep, renovate, or dismantle entirely. This metaphor of remaking a house resonated deeply with me after years of suffering from patterns misaligned with my essence.
In the rebuilding process, I kept aspects of the “home” that I loved. I started to discern what did not fit, what was dated, and what needed a fresh coat of paint. In some instances, I took the proverbial sledgehammer to many walls and started again.
I started this journey after years of suffering—attracting people and circumstances that weren’t in alignment with my deepest self. I kept reliving childhood wounds because, as they say, “our wounding does the picking until we choose to heal.”
This doesn’t mean our parents didn’t love us or that they did not do their best. It simply means that we will all be called to dive deeply and, at some point in our journey, ask: Who am I? Who am I without the labels, the roles, the expectations?
Trauma is not always obvious. It can be as simple as a harsh tone or an unmet expectation. That moment in time is frozen, and the young mind that has not fully developed may create a story that “I am not loveable.”
In the words of Gabor Maté, “Trauma is not the event; it’s what happens inside of you as a result.”
This quote captures the journey from trauma as a disconnection from self, toward healing as a return to self.
Academic pressures in my own life equated grades with worthiness, manifesting in the “good girl” persona. I carried that persona into adulthood, and it manifested in my codependent, people-pleasing ways. I learned to be agreeable and reasonable. That persona kept me ‘safe’—until it didn’t.
I shrank myself, silenced my voice, and accepted less than I desired. This caused deep unfulfillment and a lot of internal discord. Do not rock the boat was the theme of my life. Be likable and avoid conflict. Fall in line and make sure that what you do and say is seen as “acceptable.” I am exhausted from reading that. That was me for a very long time.
Tired of my compromises and yearning for authenticity, I wanted to bring my true self to life—no more diluted versions.
Reparenting begins with one powerful question: Who am I?
From there, we ask: What do I want to create? What are my values, needs, and deepest desires? These are not light questions and may take a while to answer, but we have to start somewhere. These questions guided me to explore my triggers—those disproportionate reactions rooted in the past. They serve as guides pointing us to our wounds.
As my therapist taught me, “If it’s hysterical, it’s historical.”
Triggers are “normal” responses to unresolved trauma, but they often cause us to react or shut down in ways that don’t serve us. We may never completely eliminate triggers, but we can reduce their charge and effect in our lives.
By observing my reactions and stories in my everyday life, I was guided to reconnect with younger parts of myself—the parts that had been rejected, buried, or disowned. “What do you need?” is what I asked over and over again.
I began to act like a loving and present parent with no shame, guilt, or judgment. I just started to listen. I learned about all the ways I needed to love myself more, where in my life I needed to rest, where I needed to speak, where I needed to play, and what I deeply wanted to experience in this life.
There were many tears and deep pain and shame. I allowed myself to feel it all. I had conversations with many versions of myself, and I vowed to gift the young me with a life built on truth—our truth.
I also had to get very comfortable with being uncomfortable. I knew that living in truth meant tearing down many delusions and speaking up. This would undoubtedly create chaos in places and circumstances where delusion is the preferred way to live. This meant that I would lose connections. which is a huge hit to our inner child, who will do anything to stay connected to others because it’s familiar, even if it means self-betrayal.
Inner child work involves acknowledging all of our parts with love and compassion while giving them what they need. This process brings us closer to wholeness and self-understanding. I now have a picture of a young me, who I connect with often. I promised her that I would keep creating a life in line with our core and desires.
To this day, one of my biggest triggers is anything that represents inequality and unfairness. This stems from many layers of my own wounding, which created a story that “what happens to me is unfair, and I am not worthy.”
I have learned that there are some battles that are not mine to fight. There are battles that belong to other people. When something affects me personally, I have learned to set boundaries and to express my displeasure in a mature way. I do not need to project my past onto my present or onto others.
I had to learn about boundaries—a hot topic these days.
Without boundaries, we cannot be real, nor can we create our best life because our energy is indeed finite. Our time and energy are precious, and we have the right to manage them in line with our values.
The inquiry begins with: What do I need in this moment given my current capacity? And how can I express that as gently as possible? In some cases, gentleness will not be possible, and in other cases, especially with intimate relationships, you may be called to explain why you are setting a particular boundary.
This is a highly nuanced process. It takes time and trial and error, and it is ongoing forever! It may feel uncomfortable at first as we get to reconnect with ourselves. Boundaries change over time as we dive deeper into our inner world and we make adjustments along the way. There are no hard and fast rules. But I will note that, to me, boundaries are not passes to act crass and reckless. They are not to be used as electric fences. That will cause more damage and isolation.
In some situations, a harsh boundary is appropriate when someone clearly does not respect you or what you are expressing. But on the extreme side of the spectrum, I see a lot of people just cutting off others and burning bridges in the name of “self-love.”
To truly love, one has to take another person into account and try to work with that person’s edges to come to a place of acceptance. This, of course, does not apply to abusive situations. I am referring to personal relationships. We also have to remember that our truth is not the only truth.
Loving authentically means balancing our needs with others’, recognizing that we all deserve grace, and offering compassion in delivering our truth if the goal is true connection.
The goal of reparenting is a more authentic life.
It’s about forgiving our parents—not to erase the past, but to free ourselves from its hold. Forgiveness means releasing resentment, whether we maintain relationships with them or not, and choosing to focus on the life we are building. And where appropriate, we can extract the good that was passed on and capitalize on the lessons learned. Even if the lessons lead to the discovery of who you do not want to be. That has value too.
Reparenting involves loss—shedding old identities and relationships built on personas rather than authenticity. But it also involves immense gain—the freedom to align with our true desires and essence. In the words of Gabor Maté, “Healing is a return to self.”
This journey requires radical honesty and accountability. It means asking hard questions, releasing blame, and embracing connection with ourselves and others. On the other side of the pain lies authenticity, fulfillment, and a life that reflects who we truly are.
I can confidently say that because of this work I am gentler with myself, I use my voice where appropriate, and I am more authentic. In other words, I live in truth.
Where in your life can you begin to parent yourself? Start with the question: What do I need to feel seen, safe, and nurtured?
About Christine Rodriguez
Christine Rodriguez is a spiritual life coach dedicated to helping others transform beliefs, thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that no longer serve them so they can create a life that’s aligned with their true desires and capabilities. To work with her, please visit miraculousshifts.com. You can find her on Instagram @miraculousshifts_christy.