“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.” ~Maria Robinson
It can be tempting to think you need a new partner to create a better relationship, and for some that might be true. But many of us don’t need new relationships; we just need to start doing things differently in the ones we have.
Perhaps your relationship isn’t feeling as fulfilling as it once did. Maybe you’re losing hope but also resisting the effort required to make it better. I’ve been there. Several years ago, many years into my long-term relationship, I began feeling worried. My husband and I were growing distant. It was easy to blame the usual suspects:
- Him not doing enough around the house
- Our different personalities
- Stress from work, raising kids, and managing finances
- The “usual culprits”—hormones, boredom, different libidos and desires
As our disconnection deepened, I noticed that I was letting it turn into hurt. That hurt led me to withhold affection, which only created more distance.
But still, it always felt like I was doing the hard emotional labor of the relationship. Whenever we needed to repair after an argument, it felt like I was the one to lead the way. I apologized first, suggested solutions, and took steps to improve things. Meanwhile, I wondered why he wasn’t doing the same.
One day, in the midst of frustration and self-pity, I had an epiphany: Even though I was making efforts, I was doing so halfheartedly and with a heart full of hurt. Deep down, I was waiting for him to take the first steps to really feel more connected. In truth, my anger and disappointment were keeping us stuck. If I continued to wait, I might lose our marriage. And that was a price I wasn’t willing to pay.
I cherished our relationship too much to let my hurt get in the way. So, I made a decision. Instead of waiting for him to act, I took control of what I could do. I applied everything I’d learned from life and counseling and focused it on us.
The Power of Choosing Action
Before that wake-up call, I was too overwhelmed to invest in saving the relationship. I kept asking myself, “Why am I always the one who has to do something? Why can’t he?” This mindset only deepened my frustration. It made me hyper-focused on his faults, ignoring my role in the problem.
When I finally decided to take action, everything changed. Even the smallest efforts yielded exponential results. My sense of “poor me” began to fade, and our relationship started feeling connected, loving, and hopeful again.
Many of us fall into the trap of thinking, “Why should I do the work when my partner isn’t?” But this mindset keeps us stuck in a victim mentality. It’s disempowering and prevents growth. The truth is, we have more control over our happiness than we think.
You Are 50% of the Relationship
Whatever dynamics or patterns exist in your relationship, you are 50% of it. Together, you and your partner create a web of interactions, habits, and experiences. It’s tempting to point fingers, but doing so overlooks your role in maintaining those patterns.
Here’s the good news: Since you are half of the relationship, any change you make to your inner world will ripple outward. When you shift your 50%, the entire dynamic changes. In my experience, this can have a profound effect.
It’s Your Life—It Affects You the Most
It’s easy to tell yourself, “I’m not doing anything until they make a move.” But who does that attitude hurt in the long run? You. How you feel in your relationship affects your overall happiness. When things between my husband and me were strained, I felt stuck, resentful, and less positive about life in general.
Waiting for your partner to change puts your well-being on hold. By taking action, you regain control over your emotional health and relationship satisfaction.
You Know What You Want—Your Partner Doesn’t
Many of us have this romantic notion that our partner should just *know* what we need. We expect them to be mind-readers, understanding our desires without clear communication. But this sets both of you up for frustration. Your partner can’t read your mind—they can only guess.
The truth is, only you know what you truly need. Your job is to communicate those needs effectively. When you share your desires openly, you help your partner meet them without confusion.
Ultimately, your relationship is worth the effort. You can always choose the best outcome by taking responsibility for your part, communicating openly, and prioritizing connection over resentment. Positive change starts with you.
Ideas to Delete from Your Mindset
To foster a healthier relationship, let go of the following limiting beliefs:
- “It’s not fair if I have to do all the work.”
- “My partner never initiates any change.”
- “If I initiate, it makes the effort less meaningful.”
- “I need to punish them for not caring enough.”
Letting go of these toxic thoughts will help you step into a more empowered, loving mindset that benefits both you and your partner.
Action Steps: What you can start changing today
If you’re ready to improve your relationship, here are a few practical steps to help you get started:
1. Reflect on what’s working.
It’s easy to focus on what’s going wrong, but don’t forget to take stock of the things that are going right. What aspects of your relationship still bring you joy or connection? Acknowledging your strengths will motivate you to work on the areas that need improvement.
2. Develop a partnership mindset.
Stop thinking of relationship improvement as one person’s responsibility. Approach it as a team effort. Discuss your shared goals with your partner, focusing on how you can both contribute to a more fulfilling relationship. When you work together, it stops feeling like a burden and starts feeling like a partnership.
3. Communicate clearly.
Your partner can’t read your mind, and unclear communication leads to misunderstandings and unmet needs. Be open about what you desire, how you’re feeling, and what you need from your relationship. When you communicate with clarity and kindness, your partner will be more receptive and willing to meet you halfway.
4. Prioritize connection.
Set aside time each week to nurture your relationship. Whether it’s a dedicated date night, taking a walk together, or simply having a heartfelt conversation, make connection a priority. It doesn’t need to be grand gestures—consistent, small moments of connection can rebuild intimacy and trust over time.
5. Consider professional help.
If you feel like you and your partner are stuck in a negative pattern that you can’t break on your own, consider seeking help from a relationship therapist or coach. Sometimes, an outside perspective can guide you toward deeper understanding and better communication.
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Improving a relationship doesn’t mean waiting for the other person to change; it starts with you. By shifting your mindset, taking responsibility for your part, and communicating openly, you can transform not only your relationship but your entire sense of well-being.
Your relationship is worth the effort. Let go of the limiting beliefs that hold you back and embrace the potential for growth and create your new ending. As you take action to improve your partnership, you’ll not only feel more connected and fulfilled but also discover a stronger, more resilient version of yourself.
About Nicole Mathieson
Nicole Mathieson is a relationship focussed counselor and couples’ therapist helping people come back to themselves and learn practical, experiential skills to create more loving, connected and harmonious intimate relationships—with themselves and their partners. Nicole is the author of The Beauty Load, How to Feel Enough in a World Obsessed with Beauty, which exposes the damaging and unrealistic beauty pressures society places on women and shares how to let go of that struggle. You can learn more at www.nicolemathieson.com.