“Crying is not a sign of weakness, it’s a courageous expression of emotions that leads to strength.” ~Unknown
When was the last time you cried? Tears are often seen as a sign of weakness, but for me, they are a powerful guide that helps me recognize and understand my feelings. In a society that frequently suppresses emotions, I want to share my journey with tears and encourage you to reflect on your own experiences.
The Change in My Relationship with Tears
Sometimes, I like to cry. During my studies, I hardly ever cried sober and was proud of it. I attributed the nighttime tears to alcohol and suppressed them.
The cause of my sadness was a stressful on-off situation with a man who emotionally drained me. This relationship was a constant up and down, and I didn’t know how to handle it. Rather than allowing my emotions, I often ignored them and hid behind my studies and social life. Looking back, I realize that this suppression was more harmful than helpful in the long run.
Allowing Emotions
Today, I cry much more often, and usually sober. In recent weeks, I have shed some tears and then wondered how other people deal with theirs. Have you also had such a strange relationship with your tears? It amazes me that a few years ago I was ashamed of them—and that sometimes I still am. However, in recent months I have clearly felt how powerful tears can be and how much they help me recognize and regulate my own feelings.
Tears are not just a sign of grief or pain; they are an important part of our emotional lives and help us cope with difficult situations. Today, I see tears as a valuable tool to better understand and heal myself.
Societal Expectations and Pressure
In our fast-paced world, it is often difficult to recognize how you really feel. When you are angry or sad at work, for example, it seems easier to suppress these emotions in the stressful office environment than to allow them and possibly break down in tears in front of colleagues or the boss. After all, no one wants to be labeled as hysterical or not to be taken seriously. Can’t she control her feelings? Get a grip!
And, of course, it’s not just your image that suffers: Many colleagues or supervisors likely don’t know how to deal with tears and would be completely overwhelmed. What do they do then? An awkward pat on the shoulder or an “It will be alright” while they glance at the clock, wondering how long this emotional interlude will last—can you just leave the crying person sitting there?
I know this article may sound a bit harsh. But that was my view of tears in adulthood: They shouldn’t be there. But who says we always have to function perfectly?
Suppressing emotions can be harmful in the long run. It can lead to increased stress, anxiety, and even depression. People who constantly suppress their feelings can also develop physical symptoms like headaches, stomach problems, and sleep disorders. Ignoring your emotional needs can significantly impair your mental health and overall well-being over time.
Experiences of Other People
Out of curiosity, in recent months, I have asked various people: When was the last time you cried? The responses I received included:
- Fifteen years ago.
- I can’t remember.
- Last month.
- Yesterday
- Last week.
- This morning.
The first three answers came from men, and the last three from women. This supports what studies have been saying for years: Women cry more often than men.
According to research by Vingerhoets and Scheirs, women cry on average five times more frequently than men. It is interesting to speculate whether the more frequent association of tears with femininity is the reason why they are often seen as weak and negative. Typically patriarchal: Everything associated with femininity and emotionality is initially considered weaker and less desirable. This may sound like a bold thesis, but forgive me—sometimes you just have to speak plainly.
I still feel frustration and anger that I suppressed my tears for so long and didn’t take them seriously. Tears have their place and significance in our emotional lives—it’s about time we acknowledge that.
Tears as Signs and Guides
Today, my tears show me the way. When I feel the urge to cry for no apparent reason, I’ve learned to pause and reflect. I have found that there is always something behind my tears, and that they don’t just come for no reason.
I wish I had known that as a young student because the man who caused my tears back then eventually cheated on me, leading to even more heartache. This experience taught me two important lessons: No more on-off relationships for me, and that I should simply be more honest with my feelings.
Recognizing the Need for Action
In situations where I am completely overwhelmed, my body sometimes reacts with tears. Recently, a disrespectful and humiliating encounter brought spontaneous tears to my eyes. This reaction surprised me because, at twenty-eight years old and with diverse experiences, I didn’t expect a condescending comment to trigger such strong emotions.
The context was crucial: Other people were present, which added to my humiliation, and the comment came totally unexpectedly. This strong discrepancy between my perception and the harsh treatment by the other person threw me completely off balance. My body reacted with tears to compensate for the shock.
I managed to escape to a quiet room in time to avoid breaking down in front of the whole group. The tears were short-lived but signaled unmistakably: This is the limit, and I am definitely over it!
This experience also showed me that there are still unresolved issues within me that I need to address. A few months ago, I would probably have reacted differently and suppressed my emotions. Perhaps I would have stayed in a harmful situation—like my nearly year-long on-off relationship with said ex, who was apparently just as good at apologizing as I was at suppressing.
Tears help me recognize that something is wrong, and that action is needed. Fortunately, I now listen to them, try to change situations, and if that’s not possible, I leave them.
Regulating Emotions Through Crying
Tears also help with emotion regulation. After I cry, I feel better: freer and relieved. Admittedly, I also look significantly worse with my red, swollen eyes. But I feel like tears help me tidy up. They wash away everything I no longer need. And for that, I gladly accept a bit of smeared mascara.
Scientific studies have shown that crying can actually reduce stress hormones. Tears contain, among other things, cortisol, a stress hormone, whose excretion through crying can contribute to stress reduction. Additionally, crying can activate the parasympathetic nervous system, which is responsible for relaxation and recovery.
Crying in Front of Others
When was the last time you cried in front of others?
Honestly, I still find it difficult to do this, but I am learning. It’s uncomfortable when others cannot handle the tears, but tears are not bad. They are part of our shared human experience and often lead to deeper understanding and connection. A sense of security probably needs to exist for this. I haven’t often cried in front of others and found it truly liberating.
Last year in the summer, however, I had an emotional rollercoaster ride. First, I was at my grandmother’s funeral. Immediately afterward, I went to a very cool but exhausting four-day festival, where I received a painful rejection from someone I really liked. Additionally, I returned to Germany from a seven-month solo trip and was jobless and somewhat aimless. On the day of my return, I met with my closest friends in the evening and completely broke down.
Those tears, dear people, were the most healing thing that could have happened to me at that moment. All my friends also had tears in their eyes, held me tight, and gave me the space and time I needed. From that point on, things started to improve, and I felt a new sense of security that, no matter how difficult things get or how deeply I fall, I am not alone.
The Strength and Meaning of Tears
That’s why I don’t want anyone to be ashamed of their tears. Tears have a reason, whether we are sad, overwhelmed, angry, or incredibly happy. It is unfortunate that tears are often viewed negatively. I believe it takes true strength to allow them and to find out what message they want to convey to us.
Tears are like little messengers of our soul. Look closer. What might they want to tell you? What are they drawing your attention to? And what might it mean if you haven’t cried for a very long time? What is your relationship with your tears? I invite you to explore this with me—share your thoughts in the comments. I would love to hear your reflections and stories.
About Maria Kleine
Maria Kleine is a psychologist (M.Sc.) with an unshakable curiosity about personal development, creativity, and the wild world of interpersonal relationships. She recently started a blog, mariakleine.com, where she blends her professional expertise with a holistic approach to self-growth. What makes her blog unique is its integration of psychological insights with practical advice on creativity and well-being. It’s a space where she encourages self-reflection and personal transformation, offering readers a chance to grow alongside her on this journey.