The Notebook | Amazon Prime
The Notebook | Amazon Prime
What does it really mean to meet a soulmate? And how does it differ from being in a toxic relationship with a narcissist? Here are six things your soulmate will never do, but a narcissist will, according to an expert.
Make your life more chaotic and painful.
Your true soulmate brings more peace, love, and joy into your life – not endless pain. A narcissist will create chaos in your life deliberately to harm you, stonewalling you, pitting you against others, subjecting you to the silent treatment, and gaslighting you. Real love is not bondage, or brutality, or necessity, or emotional unavailability, or scarcity in any form. Real love is not enmeshment with someone unhealthy for you in the hopes that they will someday change. Real love is not constant arguments and over-explaining and over-communicating to someone committed to misunderstanding you or using your vulnerabilities against you. It won’t harm you and pretend that tolerating that harm is justifiable in the name of love. Real love will bring you more peace – it won’t force you to survive a psychological war zone. It will bring ease to your struggles, and it will uplift you. It will ask you to choose the best, bravest, most beautiful, kindest, and highest version of yourself. It won’t push you over the edge or make you walk on eggshells or eviscerate your self-esteem or sense of worth. The biggest commitment you’ll make in life won’t be to a partner. It will be to yourself. You have to choose yourself over toxic love every day. You have to choose the peace of solitude and the possibility of a healthy soulmate in the future over the crazymaking chaos. The organic, sustainable highs over the rollercoaster of highs and lows. You must show loyalty to yourself, first and foremost.
Ask you to choose them over your inner peace and self-respect.
Your true soulmate won’t ask you to sacrifice your self-respect in order to commit to them. They won’t present violating you, cheating on you, or making you feel small as a “non-negotiable” when you enter a relationship with them. When asked to betray yourself, you must be willing to “betray” those who expect to trample over your boundaries and wish you harm by doing the unexpected: choosing yourself over toxic people. When you fear abandonment, you must fear abandoning yourself more than being abandoned by those who don’t appreciate and value you. Staying in toxic relationships is one of the most lethal forms of self-abandonment and self-harm, and your true soulmate won’t ever be found in the arms of a toxic person. Real love will never hold you back or violate you. It won’t ask you to violate and betray yourself to keep it. Nor will it ask you to settle for less than what you desire and deserve.
Tell you to accept the bare minimum while you give it your all.
Real love and true soulmates won’t be found in limiting beliefs or a, “I’ll take whatever I can get, grateful for the scraps,” mentality. A true soulmate won’t ever watch you overexert yourself for their attention, validation, affection, and approval, while giving you nothing in return. Narcissists keep a scoreboard so that there is no truly free gift: they shower you with attention in hopes you’ll make them the center of your world – once you’re invested, they pull the rug up from beneath you. Real love is filled with abundance and miracles, and waking up every day next to your soulmate knowing you chose someone who supports the highest version of you and your dream life, and you do so in turn. There is genuine generosity, reciprocity and attentiveness and gentleness in true love. You may settle for toxic love because of how society has encouraged you to settle for the bare minimum in the falsehood that it’s better than being alone and strong on your own. A narcissist hopes you buy into society’s lies about relationships being filled with turmoil and hard work because they want you to continue to invest in them. A true soulmate will want the absolute best for you and will go out of their way to make you immensely happy, just as you would do for them.
Remember that who’ve settled for less just to settle than they deserve won’t tell you this because they chose this path and paid the price. If you notice, happy couples aren’t normally the ones speaking on the lives of happily single people: they are not condescending nor do they put down others walking their own path. They are too busy enjoying their own romance to ever pass judgment, and they support whatever makes others happy. Unhappily partnered people are often the loudest in the room, placing your singlehood or high standards under their scrutiny. But rather than sharing with you in wisdom how not to walk the same dark, rugged path of their own destructive relationship, some choose to tell you a romanticized tale of their own toxic love, as a way to lure you into the same trap, just so they can have others to commiserate with later on. They’ll say things like, “We were always on and off, he wasn’t sure about me, he even got with other people until we finally got married. It happens! Love is real!” What they won’t say: “We’re miserable together and I know I can’t trust him, but I can’t stand to be alone. I’d rather tie myself to the wrong person than spend an hour on my own.” These are the lies toxic people of the world hope you buy into, when settling for relationships with them.
These are not the love stories you want to emulate. These are not the love stories you should want to choose for yourself.
Sacrifice your identity and make yourself small to cater to them.
A narcissist will ask you to shrink so they can take up all the space in the room; a healthy soulmate will encourage you to grow, expand, and pursue your wildest dreams, with or without them. A soulmate will love your multifaceted self. Even in cases where you’re not searching for a soulmate, real love means you’re willing to detach and show true love and respect for yourself from any situation that makes you feel less than. It will be one of the most difficult things you’ll ever do, but it will also be the most rewarding. While you wait for your soulmate and a healthy love, the world is waiting for you to choose yourself and the life you’ve always dreamed of. Choosing yourself and prioritizing yourself are key if you want a life unburdened and untethered by toxic love.
Your true soulmate won’t be harming you on a daily basis and asking you to lower your standards to maintain a relationship with them.
Your standards and boundaries protect you from toxic people. While narcissists will try to negotiate your standards and overstep your boundaries, a true soulmate will respect them and aspire to go above and beyond what you’ve ever hoped for in love. Choosing yourself over toxic love every day is by no means easy. It will require an excruciating healing process, one where you purge all the traumas, insecurities, and critical beliefs you have about yourself, your worthiness, and your lovability, so you can allow healthy and fulfilling love in. It takes time and determination to process the life experiences that have taught you to settle for less and reprogram the mind to only accept abundance in love. It will be one of the most difficult feats you will ever engage in, because the whole world has conditioned you to believe that a relationship status, rather than a healthy relationship (with self or other) is what makes you whole.
It may seem like the world is rigged against you being happy if you choose to have higher standards and boundaries for your relationships. As you raise your standards for love, others may call you high-maintenance, or picky, or too choosy, or difficult. Let them. They are not the ones who get to live your story. They are not the ones who have to wake up every day in dread, in the arms of a toxic partner they settled for (or maybe they are, and they’re hoping you choose the same, because it will make them feel better about their own choices). On your journey to being soulfully self-partnered or soulmate love, you may be tempted by the past or triggers in your present to rush into the embrace of toxic people due to your fear of abandonment. You may fall into old patterns, or revisit ancient wounds. You may struggle to detox from trauma bonds with the person you loved and the person you thought you knew. This is just part of your healing journey.
Tell you to love yourself less or “humble” you.
A true soulmate won’t try to humble you or make you love yourself less. They won’t detract from your strengths, talents, gifts, personality, and the value that you bring to this world – but a narcissist will, due to their own pathological envy and need to have the spotlight on them. To avoid toxic relationships like this, build a strong self-concept. Take small steps. Every day, ask yourself, “How would I act if I was someone who truly chose and loved themselves?” New habits and routines can emerge from just that question: maybe you feel compelled to go for morning walks, bask in nature, journal, meditate, adopt a gratitude practice, pursue a goal or dream – this is healing you and guiding you toward your highest good. Trust your intuition. And someday, you may meet a soulmate who chooses you as much as you choose yourself. But regardless of what does or doesn’t happen with someone else, you’ll know you’re infinitely better off in any case living your life for you, manifesting your dreams, pursuing your goals, expanding yourself, growing, and learning, and simply being in joy and peace, rather than settling for a toxic love that drains and depletes you in the hopes that it will bring you the love you always deserved to give to yourself.